Dust yourself off.. October 5, 2011

It’s been months since I’ve written. Months since I felt the need to write. I guess there’s good and bad that comes with that. It means that I’ve been happy enough to not feel the need to write, and that now.. not-so-happy. That’s life… Isn’t it? One minute you’re happy as can be, and the next you’re drowning in your own self-despair.

I’ve been able to live a happier and carefree life in the past couple of months than I have in years. I thought I found “the one” and instead of still making steps to focus on me and continue healing, I put my entire self into a relationship that would eventually end, and, with the end, break me down. But that’s not the point… Is it?

The point is that, at the end of the day, I’m alive. I’m alive through it all. I have survived more than most ever face in a lifetime. I have survived suicide, abuse in every way possible, abandonment, heartbreak, and… I’m alive.

In an hour from the time I post this, I will have exactly one week until the five-year anniversary of my brother’s death. I will have to face the pain of remembering the day it all happened. The day my life changed. Every single thing that happened that day has been running through my head, and… I will finally have to face it.

Five years is a long time. Half a decade. One thousand eight hundred and twenty-six days. I remember the days I thought that it was a sick joke and that he was going to walk through the door. I remember having to simply delete his number from my phone because I would constantly call it. And now… I’m holding onto dear life the memory of his voice.

So maybe this is the most inconvenient time for a breakup. Maybe it’s the best time. To lose everything all over again… To lose it at the same time. Maybe someday I’ll be thankful and not as resentful. I officially have a time allotted for the worst part of the year. A time to lose everything.

I want to be happy. For once, I want to have an anniversary that isn’t so painful. I want an anniversary where I can remember his voice. Remember his bright blue eyes. Remember the feeling of safety I had when around him. Remember that I’ll always be his little sister. Remember that he wouldn’t want me to hurt so bad and feel so lost.

But for now… I can dust myself off, and hope that next year it won’t hurt so bad.

 

Me? Give a hoot? April 28, 2011

Today I did something totally different. I’m always so worried about what others think, how they feel, how to make them happy, etc…

NOT TODAY.

Today I simply just didn’t care. I didn’t go out of my way to make somebody feel good. I just worried about getting what I needed to get done, done.

It felt amazing.

I felt exponentially less stressed.

We spend our lives caring so much about everybody else that I think we tend to stop caring for ourselves during the process. I know I worry so much about making people feel good that I don’t notice how, the majority of the time, it’s not reciprocated. In relationships and friendships it has to be everybody in it making an effort. It can’t always be one.

So today I threw in the towel. I gave it up for one night. Sure, I probably hurt some people’s feelings, but hey, that happens in life. Right? I’m allowed to not be perfect, the nicest, the most supporting person every now and then. I’m allowed to let people be supportive of me… Care about me.

Life isn’t fair. I’m not saying everything has to be 50/50.

I’m saying that being shown that people care about you is nice. It’s nice to not care about everybody and everything. Life’s easier when you focus on one thing at a time.

That’s exactly what I did. Focused on one thing at a time.

I recommend trying it sometime. 

Some days… April 1, 2011

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I literally pick up the phone to call my brother and get another wave of realization that he’s not coming back, I won’t be able to talk to him, and he’s forever gone.

Some days I think about what life would be like if he were still here. I don’t simply think about it, but more like… obsess. I think how we’d go to visit him… where I’d be living… who I’d be living with… Everything.

Some days my thoughts are polluted with horrible negative thoughts. I’m angry at him. “He left me!” “He was MY best friend!” “He killed himself!” And I can’t rationalize. I panic. I freak out. I can’t breathe.

Some days all I want is to have five minutes. Five minutes to say hello. Five minutes to say goodbye. Five minutes to tell him how stupid I think he is. Five minutes to tell him how much I love him. Just a short moment.

I don’t know why I’ve been so emotional lately. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl and I’m allotted my own period of time to just be crazy and emotional. Maybe it’s because I’ve been avoiding it and need to feel again.

I dislike the idea of talking about him. I know that, technically, I’m doing it now, but it just isn’t the same. What would happen if I were to break down to you? How would you react? Oddly enough, I’m scared of scaring the ones that care away.

My life goes on.

It’s okay for me to feel like this. No longer does this feeling suffocate me. I can hurt occasionally. I can cry when the tears start flowing. Because I’m human. Because I am alive.

My advice?

You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to hurt. You don’t have to go through a tragedy to feel. You don’t have to lose it all to feel like you have. So count on the people who are there for you. Trust them. Let them show they care.

Don’t forget about the good times. Let go of the bad. You have this one life to live. You can make it worth living. You can make it miserable. Feel love. Radiate happiness. And, if you don’t do anything else… Just live.

It’s yours. February 28, 2011

It’s new.

It’s scary.

Learning to trust.

Again.

It’s like this:

Unless it’s real,

The butterflies only last

So long.

I’m letting it happen.

I have to.

People like you

Don’t come around too often.

You can hurt me.

I believe you won’t,

But there’s a possibility

I’ve fallen too hard.

So I’m going to be brave.

I’m going to give you the

Power to destroy

My heart.

Those stupid butterflies

Have been around for

A while, and

Won’t go away.

The little things

Mean the most.

I never thought

We would ever be more.

I can laugh.

I can smile.

I can cry.

I’m comfortable.

So hurt me.

Ruin it all.

It’s up to you.

It’s in your hands.

But

Don’t

Forget

I love you.

To a special lady. February 24, 2011

I want to change it up. Everything. So.. Here you go.

She’s here.

In one place.

With different people.

Enjoying their company.

But not really knowing them.

And she’s here.

Ready to start her life.

Ready to start over once again.

Easily influenced by her haunting past.

But she’s done holding on to what was then.

And she’s here.

Learning how to trust.

Giving it her all to just believe.

She’s having to do it all without him.

The single most important ingredient in her life.

But she’s starting to understand that life gets better.

And she’s here.

Okay with starting over.

Accepting that life gets hard.

Ready for what’s going to happen next.

Looking the world in the eye and taking it on.

And she’s here.

She’ll be just fine.

She’s gone through worse.

She’s tougher than she looks.

She’s letting people become important.

She’s making things permanent and steady.

And she’s here.

Her heart is healing.

She’s enjoying life again.

She’s not walking on egg shells.

She is herself without being held back.

She’s being the mom I’ve missed so much.

And she’s here.

With her daughter.

Starting her life over.

But she’s not close to alone.

She’s my forever support system.

I will stand by her through everything.

I love you, Mom.

Let’s try this again. January 1, 2011

Oh dear, I have definitely not written a blog in entirely too long. I apologize.. Kinda. I think had I written one before now it would have been a horrendous typed mess of words that were randomly strewn together, resulting with a massive waste of time.

But anyway..

A lot has changed without too much happening. You know how it goes.. Little things occur, but then one day you wake up and realize that your life has changed exponentially. The way you act, the way you respond to things, the way you feel.. All have been morphed making you the person you are.

This change has proven that maybe life does have good timing occasionally. I say that because with this new change in attitude comes the change to the New Year. I’ve realized that I had myself stuck in a rut. Not intentionally, but stuck in a rut nonetheless. I was scared of moving forward with life and leaving the past in the past. I honestly cannot tell you the moment that I finally took a nice big breath, and when I exhaled I let go of all the pain, the tears, the guilt.. everything.

Life is moving fast. You can’t keep up when you’re running the race backwards.

With the appearance of the New Year fast approaching I’m ready to start over. I’m ready to forgive those that deserve to be forgotten. Love those that deserved to be loved. And live my life the way I want to. Positively and with my arms wide open to whatever life decides to throw in my direction. I’ve been throwing out advice when asked, but I think it’s time to stop being a hypocrite, and follow it.

So here’s to the New Year:

Let’s live freely, laugh loudly, cry for emotional release, and trust those that deserve to be trusted.

We only live once and we can’t live our lives with so much restraint.

So take that breath. And when you exhale.. Let go. And when you inhale.. Let the positive outlook flood through your body.

Happy New Year everybody. Make it the best yet. 🙂

Those not-so-good-but-supposed-to-be-good days. December 7, 2010

We’ve all experienced them.

Those days that you plan on going amazing and they end up like crap.

What does amazing mean to you? I was asked that question fairly recently. I didn’t really have an answer for it though. Just it’s pretty easy to be amazing in my eyes. And I realized, that that was very strange of me. I’m usually super specific. Definitions. Exact numbers when you ask how well my day went on a scale of 1-10. Explanations for everything.

But noooo not “amazing.”

I don’t know about you, but it really doesn’t take a lot to make me see something as amazing. I can have simple days that all I do is sleep, and it could be amazing. I could hold a bunny and my day could be amazing. I can have zero homework and my day could be amazing. Geeze, I’m SUCH a teenager.

So tell me, why, if it’s just so darn easy for my day to be considered “amazing”, can little things turn my day into pure crap? I guess today is an exception. (I’m super sick and I don’t think you’re expected to have an “amazing” day when you’re puking your guts out.) But little things like: waking up to a hot room, having to listen  to people have a small argument, and well.. you know.. the small stuff.. can totally turn my day into poo.

Why do we always sweat-the-small-stuff?

Is it because everybody’s secretly like me? We can’t just be in a bad mood, but we have to have a reason for it? We feel we need to explain ourselves? Do we always have to be so defensive and have our alibi ready?

Is that it?!

We’re all ready to be put on trial. We’re all secretly pessimistic and assume that something bad is going to happen, someone is going to automatically assume something bad has happened and we have to be ready for our excuse.

I propose a no-more- excuses campaign. Have your bad day without having to say why it’s bad. Have your amazing day without having to state specific reasons why you’re happy.

Just live your life. No excuses. Nobody’s going to care at the end of the day.

So smile, cry, laugh.. LIVE.

You’re supposed to be a defensive driver, not a defensive liver.

 

Hey, honey. Let’s be cliche. November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving! Or, when I was super little, only known as Turkey Day.

So here’s my list of what I’m thankful for and I’m going to make you all read every single one..

You thought!

I haven’t written a blog in a while now! I guess that happens when you decide to actually be an active teenager rather than the hermit I was previously. I’ve been contemplating and contemplating on what I would want to write about the whole time, and I never had anything to spark any sort of creativeness. But then BAM! I came up with an idea so hopefully.. you actually feel/get anything out of it!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s necessary and what’s unnecessary that’s just added to heighten effect and drama. Like.. what needs to be done or said compared to what isn’t needed and can negative (sometimes positive!) reactions.

Most of your conversations.. fights.. relationships.. Have you ever thought maybe they were unnecessary? That you could have kept living your life without having gone through the experience?

I’ve been pondering that idea a lot lately. What would have happened had I found a certain boy unnecessary and hadn’t pursued things with him, if we hadn’t gone through everything we did? What would my life turned out had I even chosen something less complex, like my education, unnecessary and just didn’t try? What if I found my entire life unnecessary?

I questioned myself. I even cried thinking about all of it.

But as soon as I snapped out of my “Why’s life so unfair?” pity party.. I realized.. It’s all necessary.

Every little piece of life is necessary.

Fights.. tears.. jokes.. relationships.. friendships.. emotions.

It’s. All. Necessary.

You need all of the bad and all of the seemingly useless good.

Life is based on cause and effect, right? You make an action and decide to act on it whether positively or negatively. But at the end of the day, it’s your decision.

And this is your life.

So.. Doesn’t that make everything necessary?

To make decisions, to have feelings, everything needs to feel significant to you. It doesn’t matter if when you die, you’re not going to have thoughts about the certain event. Hell, you don’t even have to remember the moment a week later. But at some point.. that action was significant.

I would rather live my life looking at things as “lessons learned” rather than being mistakes and insignificant.

Because my life is significant and highly necessary. My life is made up of the actions I choose. And when I die, I don’t want to be considered just an unnecessary waste of space.

If you’re happy and you know it.. November 9, 2010

So here’s what I’ve been thinking.. Why the heck is my life going so swell?

I find it really scary that nothing major has happened lately. Since the beginning of time, for me, my life has been a series of crappy moments. I seriously cannot remember a time when I had the feeling of relief and constant happiness.

So tell me, is it wrong of me to be counting down the time for something horrendous to happen?

I’m terrified of what could ruin my streak of happy.

Sure, little things have happened that have thrown my mood off lately, but I haven’t had any humongous moments of grief. I haven’t made any stupid mistakes with stupid people. I haven’t been homesick whatsoever. I haven’t even gotten majorly sick. (Sign of emotions out of whack for yours truly.)

Unfortunately, I’m one of those people whom you can read like a book. I won’t lie to you how I feel. My face gives away my emotions instantly. Body movements of mine can indicate whatever mood I’m in. Even my immune system acts up. I have always seemed to get extremely sick whenever my emotions start doing the whole crazy-girl thing.

I’m oddly excited to be getting sick merely on chance.

So what do I do? Do I enjoy this happiness fully, or do I prepare myself for whatever life decides to throw at me?

I think the first choice is easier said than done.. I mean.. Don’t we have to be a little cautious sometimes?

You know what? NO. I’m going to enjoy this momentary happiness for however long it lasts. I’ve lived my life so cautiously. Scared every other week my life might just implode once again. Scared that I might not even be able to continue this life.

So I’m basking in the happiness. I’m not going to worry about what could go wrong. I’m not going to worry about who I will just happen to disappoint. I’m not even going to worry about who “hates” me now. Because really, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is RIGHT NOW.

Not tomorrow, not next week. NOW.

So here we go, world. I’m letting go of the safety blanket of expecting what’s next. I’m done trying to avoid conflict  so much I end up getting more of it.

This is me. Happy. For the first time in who knows how long.

And I’m not letting life’s greedy claws snatch it away from me this time.

 

 

 

 

Irony or Coincidence? October 30, 2010

Hello! Hi! Bonjour! (I thought I’d throw that out there.) I feel my blogs have been the same thing over and over lately. I’m going to complain about my life and have some fantastic message at the end. I wanna change things up! It’s time for change. It’s time to invite the positive. It’s time to not sound like your average whiny teenager!

So take a second and think about your own personal definitions of irony and coincidence please. Thank you very much.

(After waiting for you to come up with your definitions..) I’m going to give mine.

Irony: something happening the opposite as planned

Coincidence: something that could be planned, but happens on accident during a course of events

So what do you think your life is?

Maybe not your entire life, but the important moments.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, if life is purely coincidental or ironic.

I find it highly ironic that right after somebody (whom I have no idea why) texts me telling me they’ve had a horrible dream about me and are seeing if I’m alright, my week turns into crap. This entire week I’ve been blaming that person for “jinxing” me. Yes, this week has been so bad I’ve resorted to blaming people for “jinxing” me. Don’t judge.

Anyway..

After a discussion with my English teacher about how people in today’s society presume everything is merely ironic rather than coincidental, I questioned myself.

I’ve been living this life and believing that everything has been ironic. I believed that all of the bad moments happened because something good was supposed to happen and vice versa. But doesn’t that sound incredibly negative to you? Believing that your life is simply ironic and everything happens the opposite way it should?

I’ve concluded that it is.

So, after careful reconsideration, I’ve been thinking of the theory of coincidence. What if everything in life is just all accidental? What if there is no plan and life just.. happens?

Don’t you agree that that could be at least a bit more positive? Rather than looking at life like it’s the reciprocal of what you wish, but that everything is just accidental and results with an effect?

I don’t know about you, but that makes things seem a lot better in my life.

It’s purely accidental that I haven’t had the “traditional” upbringing. It’s purely accidental that I fell in love with a bad person. It’s purely accidental that me, the one who voices her opinion the most, is the one who’s the most scared of the person who should be her “protector”. Maybe it’s even purely accidental that I’m finally happy and moving on with my life, instead of crying all of the time.

I think I prefer looking at my life like a big accident instead of some big ironic situation. Irony is generally just something of disappointment.

I don’t wanna be a disappointment. Make me pure coincidence.