Part Two

Just Another Not-So-Typical Teenage Blog

Dust yourself off.. October 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Anna @ 11:46 am

It’s been months since I’ve written. Months since I felt the need to write. I guess there’s good and bad that comes with that. It means that I’ve been happy enough to not feel the need to write, and that now.. not-so-happy. That’s life… Isn’t it? One minute you’re happy as can be, and the next you’re drowning in your own self-despair.

I’ve been able to live a happier and carefree life in the past couple of months than I have in years. I thought I found “the one” and instead of still making steps to focus on me and continue healing, I put my entire self into a relationship that would eventually end, and, with the end, break me down. But that’s not the point… Is it?

The point is that, at the end of the day, I’m alive. I’m alive through it all. I have survived more than most ever face in a lifetime. I have survived suicide, abuse in every way possible, abandonment, heartbreak, and… I’m alive.

In an hour from the time I post this, I will have exactly one week until the five-year anniversary of my brother’s death. I will have to face the pain of remembering the day it all happened. The day my life changed. Every single thing that happened that day has been running through my head, and… I will finally have to face it.

Five years is a long time. Half a decade. One thousand eight hundred and twenty-six days. I remember the days I thought that it was a sick joke and that he was going to walk through the door. I remember having to simply delete his number from my phone because I would constantly call it. And now… I’m holding onto dear life the memory of his voice.

So maybe this is the most inconvenient time for a breakup. Maybe it’s the best time. To lose everything all over again… To lose it at the same time. Maybe someday I’ll be thankful and not as resentful. I officially have a time allotted for the worst part of the year. A time to lose everything.

I want to be happy. For once, I want to have an anniversary that isn’t so painful. I want an anniversary where I can remember his voice. Remember his bright blue eyes. Remember the feeling of safety I had when around him. Remember that I’ll always be his little sister. Remember that he wouldn’t want me to hurt so bad and feel so lost.

But for now… I can dust myself off, and hope that next year it won’t hurt so bad.

 

 

Me? Give a hoot? April 28, 2011

Filed under: Human Relationships — Anna @ 9:09 am

Today I did something totally different. I’m always so worried about what others think, how they feel, how to make them happy, etc…

NOT TODAY.

Today I simply just didn’t care. I didn’t go out of my way to make somebody feel good. I just worried about getting what I needed to get done, done.

It felt amazing.

I felt exponentially less stressed.

We spend our lives caring so much about everybody else that I think we tend to stop caring for ourselves during the process. I know I worry so much about making people feel good that I don’t notice how, the majority of the time, it’s not reciprocated. In relationships and friendships it has to be everybody in it making an effort. It can’t always be one.

So today I threw in the towel. I gave it up for one night. Sure, I probably hurt some people’s feelings, but hey, that happens in life. Right? I’m allowed to not be perfect, the nicest, the most supporting person every now and then. I’m allowed to let people be supportive of me… Care about me.

Life isn’t fair. I’m not saying everything has to be 50/50.

I’m saying that being shown that people care about you is nice. It’s nice to not care about everybody and everything. Life’s easier when you focus on one thing at a time.

That’s exactly what I did. Focused on one thing at a time.

I recommend trying it sometime. 

 

Some days… April 1, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Anna @ 10:12 am

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I literally pick up the phone to call my brother and get another wave of realization that he’s not coming back, I won’t be able to talk to him, and he’s forever gone.

Some days I think about what life would be like if he were still here. I don’t simply think about it, but more like… obsess. I think how we’d go to visit him… where I’d be living… who I’d be living with… Everything.

Some days my thoughts are polluted with horrible negative thoughts. I’m angry at him. “He left me!” “He was MY best friend!” “He killed himself!” And I can’t rationalize. I panic. I freak out. I can’t breathe.

Some days all I want is to have five minutes. Five minutes to say hello. Five minutes to say goodbye. Five minutes to tell him how stupid I think he is. Five minutes to tell him how much I love him. Just a short moment.

I don’t know why I’ve been so emotional lately. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl and I’m allotted my own period of time to just be crazy and emotional. Maybe it’s because I’ve been avoiding it and need to feel again.

I dislike the idea of talking about him. I know that, technically, I’m doing it now, but it just isn’t the same. What would happen if I were to break down to you? How would you react? Oddly enough, I’m scared of scaring the ones that care away.

My life goes on.

It’s okay for me to feel like this. No longer does this feeling suffocate me. I can hurt occasionally. I can cry when the tears start flowing. Because I’m human. Because I am alive.

My advice?

You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to hurt. You don’t have to go through a tragedy to feel. You don’t have to lose it all to feel like you have. So count on the people who are there for you. Trust them. Let them show they care.

Don’t forget about the good times. Let go of the bad. You have this one life to live. You can make it worth living. You can make it miserable. Feel love. Radiate happiness. And, if you don’t do anything else… Just live.

 

It’s yours. February 28, 2011

Filed under: Starting over — Anna @ 10:26 am

It’s new.

It’s scary.

Learning to trust.

Again.

It’s like this:

Unless it’s real,

The butterflies only last

So long.

I’m letting it happen.

I have to.

People like you

Don’t come around too often.

You can hurt me.

I believe you won’t,

But there’s a possibility

I’ve fallen too hard.

So I’m going to be brave.

I’m going to give you the

Power to destroy

My heart.

Those stupid butterflies

Have been around for

A while, and

Won’t go away.

The little things

Mean the most.

I never thought

We would ever be more.

I can laugh.

I can smile.

I can cry.

I’m comfortable.

So hurt me.

Ruin it all.

It’s up to you.

It’s in your hands.

But

Don’t

Forget

I love you.

 

To a special lady. February 24, 2011

Filed under: Mother daughter relationships — Anna @ 11:32 am

I want to change it up. Everything. So.. Here you go.

She’s here.

In one place.

With different people.

Enjoying their company.

But not really knowing them.

And she’s here.

Ready to start her life.

Ready to start over once again.

Easily influenced by her haunting past.

But she’s done holding on to what was then.

And she’s here.

Learning how to trust.

Giving it her all to just believe.

She’s having to do it all without him.

The single most important ingredient in her life.

But she’s starting to understand that life gets better.

And she’s here.

Okay with starting over.

Accepting that life gets hard.

Ready for what’s going to happen next.

Looking the world in the eye and taking it on.

And she’s here.

She’ll be just fine.

She’s gone through worse.

She’s tougher than she looks.

She’s letting people become important.

She’s making things permanent and steady.

And she’s here.

Her heart is healing.

She’s enjoying life again.

She’s not walking on egg shells.

She is herself without being held back.

She’s being the mom I’ve missed so much.

And she’s here.

With her daughter.

Starting her life over.

But she’s not close to alone.

She’s my forever support system.

I will stand by her through everything.

I love you, Mom.

 

Let’s try this again. January 1, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Anna @ 12:44 am

Oh dear, I have definitely not written a blog in entirely too long. I apologize.. Kinda. I think had I written one before now it would have been a horrendous typed mess of words that were randomly strewn together, resulting with a massive waste of time.

But anyway..

A lot has changed without too much happening. You know how it goes.. Little things occur, but then one day you wake up and realize that your life has changed exponentially. The way you act, the way you respond to things, the way you feel.. All have been morphed making you the person you are.

This change has proven that maybe life does have good timing occasionally. I say that because with this new change in attitude comes the change to the New Year. I’ve realized that I had myself stuck in a rut. Not intentionally, but stuck in a rut nonetheless. I was scared of moving forward with life and leaving the past in the past. I honestly cannot tell you the moment that I finally took a nice big breath, and when I exhaled I let go of all the pain, the tears, the guilt.. everything.

Life is moving fast. You can’t keep up when you’re running the race backwards.

With the appearance of the New Year fast approaching I’m ready to start over. I’m ready to forgive those that deserve to be forgotten. Love those that deserved to be loved. And live my life the way I want to. Positively and with my arms wide open to whatever life decides to throw in my direction. I’ve been throwing out advice when asked, but I think it’s time to stop being a hypocrite, and follow it.

So here’s to the New Year:

Let’s live freely, laugh loudly, cry for emotional release, and trust those that deserve to be trusted.

We only live once and we can’t live our lives with so much restraint.

So take that breath. And when you exhale.. Let go. And when you inhale.. Let the positive outlook flood through your body.

Happy New Year everybody. Make it the best yet. 🙂


 

Those not-so-good-but-supposed-to-be-good days. December 7, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Anna @ 3:12 am

We’ve all experienced them.

Those days that you plan on going amazing and they end up like crap.

What does amazing mean to you? I was asked that question fairly recently. I didn’t really have an answer for it though. Just it’s pretty easy to be amazing in my eyes. And I realized, that that was very strange of me. I’m usually super specific. Definitions. Exact numbers when you ask how well my day went on a scale of 1-10. Explanations for everything.

But noooo not “amazing.”

I don’t know about you, but it really doesn’t take a lot to make me see something as amazing. I can have simple days that all I do is sleep, and it could be amazing. I could hold a bunny and my day could be amazing. I can have zero homework and my day could be amazing. Geeze, I’m SUCH a teenager.

So tell me, why, if it’s just so darn easy for my day to be considered “amazing”, can little things turn my day into pure crap? I guess today is an exception. (I’m super sick and I don’t think you’re expected to have an “amazing” day when you’re puking your guts out.) But little things like: waking up to a hot room, having to listen  to people have a small argument, and well.. you know.. the small stuff.. can totally turn my day into poo.

Why do we always sweat-the-small-stuff?

Is it because everybody’s secretly like me? We can’t just be in a bad mood, but we have to have a reason for it? We feel we need to explain ourselves? Do we always have to be so defensive and have our alibi ready?

Is that it?!

We’re all ready to be put on trial. We’re all secretly pessimistic and assume that something bad is going to happen, someone is going to automatically assume something bad has happened and we have to be ready for our excuse.

I propose a no-more- excuses campaign. Have your bad day without having to say why it’s bad. Have your amazing day without having to state specific reasons why you’re happy.

Just live your life. No excuses. Nobody’s going to care at the end of the day.

So smile, cry, laugh.. LIVE.

You’re supposed to be a defensive driver, not a defensive liver.